No Fooling Around: Lennox Brothers Romantic Comedy Read online

  “Wait. You have to take it. You’ll need it for when Nemesis steals more of your underwear.”

  “More?” I was already backing away.

  “She’ll take more. Once Nemesis starts something, nobody can stop her.”

  “If it really is a cat that’s stealing my underwear, Ruff will keep her away.”

  “We’ll see.”

  Chapter Five

  Asher

  The floor of my father’s hallway had little gold and silver sparkles scattered all over it. I tried to step gingerly, but it was all but impossible to avoid the glitter. And Dad wasn’t bothering to try. He stomped right over it as he lead me and Kade into his living room.

  Edging around the worst of it, Kade muttered something about unicorn poop.

  “Did Trixie Watson send you another glitter bomb?” I asked. My father had been engaged in an ongoing war with his neighbor for many years, and glitter was one of Trixie’s favorite weapons.

  “That woman is a menace,” Dad growled. “Which reminds me. What time is it?”

  “Just after two o’clock. Why?” Kade picked up his foot to inspect the sole of his shoe, frowning as it sparkled at him.

  “It’s time to make a phone call.” Dad opened his fridge and pulled out his cellphone.

  “Why was your cellphone in the fridge?” I asked.

  “The fridge blocks its dangerous electrical signals.” Dad waved a finger at me. “You know why I have a bad heart? It’s cellphones, with their high powered radio waves.”

  I considered telling Dad his fridge was unlikely to be enough of an electromagnetic barrier to block radio waves, and decided against it. “Your phone didn’t cause your health problems,” I said instead. “You have high blood pressure and high cholesterol. Your doctor explained the dietary changes that would help.”

  Kade nodded. “If you eat more vegetables and less—”

  “That’s what they want you to think. They don’t want you to know what’s really going on.” Dad peered at his phone before stabbing at the screen. “Now both of you be quiet while I make the call.”

  Kade and I exchanged a wary glance. Dad ignored us, the phone held up to his ear. I heard the beep of a voicemail kicking in, before Dad spoke in a voice that was lower than his normal one, as though he was trying to disguise it.

  “Ah, yes, Ms Watson, this is your bowel specialist. I’m calling to advise that your farts have recorded toxic levels of stench. Please stay a safe distance from small children and animals.” Hanging up, Dad chuckled.

  Kade sighed. “That’s childish.”

  “Childish?” Dad harrumphed. “You want to hear childish? Listen to this.” He hit the speaker button on his phone, then dialed a number that turned out to be his voicemail. The recorded voice announced he had one hundred and fifty-two saved messages.

  “One hundred and fifty-two?” I repeated incredulously, over the sound of the voice announcing the first message was about to play. “Why don’t you delete—?”

  “Shhh. I’m saving the evidence in case there’s a trial.” Dad waved a hand to quiet me as a falsetto voice that was unmistakably Trixie Watson trying to sound like someone else came onto the line.

  “This is a message for Edward Lennox,” she announced. “Your application to join our nudist club has been unanimously declined.” She let out a cackle of laughter and tried to turn it into a cough. “Your photos self-destructed. Almost set my hair alight.” She was starting to laugh again as she hung up.

  “See?” Dad opened the fridge to put his phone back inside.

  Grimacing, Kade dragged a hand over his eyes. “I’m almost afraid to ask, but why did you need to make the call at two o’clock?”

  “If Trixie sees I’m ringing, she’ll blast a foghorn into my ear before I can get a word out. So I leave a message when I know she’s busy with her classes.”

  Kade and I swapped another helpless look. We were in silent agreement that it would be impossible to talk him out of making more prank calls. His war with Trixie had been going on for years, and we’d never been able to stop him.

  When I was fourteen, our mother had discovered Dad was having an affair with Trixie. Mom’s reaction had been to drag me, Kade, and our older brother Mason to Mexico, where we’d lived for almost two years.

  Left alone, and presumably filled with regret, Dad had deflected all blame for their affair onto Trixie. The two of them had been having a very public feud ever since.

  Their feud was so showy, it fooled almost everyone. But I’d spent long enough studying body language to be able to pick up on hidden undercurrents, and I suspected Dad and Trixie’s feelings for each other were far more complicated—and warmer—than either of them were willing to admit.

  A couple of years ago, I’d suggested as much to Dad. But he was so stubborn, he’d rather spend the rest of his life picking glitter off his shoes than confess there was anything more to their battles than long-held resentments.

  “I just came to say goodbye, Dad,” said Kade. “I’m driving back to LA.”

  “You’re always so busy,” Dad grumbled. “Don’t they give you any time off?”

  “Actually, I’ve decided to take some time off before I start shooting the next season of the show. It’ll be my first real vacation in three years.”

  I shot my brother a surprised look, and he shrugged.

  “Iola mentioned something last night about not taking family for granted. It got me thinking I should spend a little more time here, and I think I’ve worked hard enough to deserve a real break.”

  Resisting the urge to ask exactly what Iola had said took an effort of will. So far, Kade had been annoyingly tight-lipped about his date.

  Dad clapped his hands together. “Then I’ll have two of my boys back in San Dante. What about Mason? Have you heard from him?”

  “He’s still working in Houston.” I turned my face away as I spoke, pretending to study something on Dad’s bookcase. Dad wouldn’t pick up on my caginess, but Kade might.

  “He should have called by now. It’s not like your brother to be out of contact this long.”

  “Eight months since we heard anything,” agreed Kade. “I’m worried too.”

  Good thing neither of them knew how dangerous Mason’s current assignment was. Hopefully Tank could speed up the bust, and in the meantime, I wouldn’t say anything about my insider information. No sense getting their hopes up if Tank didn’t come through.

  “Anyway, I’d better hit the road. See you in a few weeks.” Kade hugged Dad and me, brushed glitter off his jeans and headed for the door.

  As soon as he’d gone, I turned to Dad. “Where’s your latest statement?”

  “Here.” He didn’t need to ask what I was talking about, just grabbed a sheath of papers from his bookcase. “Every time they send a new one, I owe more. Do they keep adding more fees?”

  I ran my gaze over the numbers, checking they were correct. The charges for Dad’s hospital stay ran over several pages. Instead of paying it with my business profits, I’d put all my money into getting Santino and his fellow criminals arrested.

  “Don’t worry,” I told him. “In a few weeks I’ll be able to cover this bill in full. And you’re fully insured now, so if you need any more medical tests, don’t hesitate. All right?”

  As soon as I owned Santino’s house, I’d be able to revalue the land and increase my bank loan. Then I’d use the new loan to pay off both Tank and Dad’s bill. Though it’d take a year to build and sell the apartments, simply buying the house would be enough to solve my money problems in the meantime.

  “But how can you afford—?”

  “You don’t need to worry about that, Dad, I’m handling it. Soon you’ll be able to forget about it for good.”

  “Kade’s doing well with his TV show. Maybe we should ask him for help?”

  “No need. I’m about to do a property deal so big, none of us will ever have to worry about things like this again.”

  Kade, Mason, and I
were a team, but we all had different roles to play. Kade was busy charming the world and building an empire. Mason was risking his life in Houston, taking down more of the bad guys. My role was to use my financial talents to keep us safe. Sure I’d had to stretch myself, but it would pay off. I’d never let my brothers down.

  Dad still looked unconvinced. “I don’t like hiding it from Mason and Kade, and I don’t see why—”

  “Shouldn’t you be more concerned about whether your fridge contains enough metal to block the tracking device in your phone?”

  Dad’s hairy eyebrows shot up so high they could have doubled as a mad scientist’s wig. “What? But I’ve turned off my phone’s tracking.”

  “Do they let you disable it completely, or do they just trick you into thinking you can?” I tapped my chin thoughtfully. “Perhaps you should check your fridge’s specifications, just in case.”

  I was a bad person.

  But my evil nature meant that Dad was too busy at his computer trying to work out the thickness of his fridge walls to keep arguing with me about sharing the burden of his medical bills with my brothers. He did no more than grunt a distracted goodbye as I left.

  When I pulled up at home and turned into my driveway, a gorgeous woman was standing at my front door.

  I hit the brakes.

  Iola turned to look at my car, then started toward me, her graceful walk unhampered by the creature lumbering by her side.

  She was wearing a loose white sundress that clung to her luscious figure. Her hair swung around her shoulders, the sun picking highlights from its silky length. With dark sunglasses and red lipstick, she was so stunning I expected nearby birds to burst into song.

  In contrast, her dog was like a resurrected creature from Pet Semetary that hadn’t come back from the grave with the same coat it had when it died. Its skin was far too wrinkled and floppy, and the huge jowls hanging from its face swung back and forth as it thundered along beside her.

  I watched them approach while I debated what to do. Or rather, how best to let Iola know I’d rather not talk to her.

  Her presence in Santino’s house was a complication I didn’t need, especially when she’d surprised me by being not just stunning, but also unexpectedly funny. And she’d thrown me off balance by not accepting the gift card. If she’d taken it, I could have ignored future underwear thefts without feeling guilty.

  I had to cut off any contact with the woman now. When I sent in the bulldozers to level Santino’s house, I didn’t want any worry about his sister to dampen my triumph.

  Iola stopped beside my car as I reached for the button to lower the car window. A few curt words, and she’d probably run away just as fast as she had last night.

  Then she lifted her sunglasses and pushed them into her hair. My hand froze and my mouth went dry.

  Her eyes were so green, I could wade into them like a jungle. Her expression seemed tight, as though she were annoyed, or even angry. But she had a faint spray of freckles over her nose like tiny smudges of paint that hadn’t quite washed off, and the contrast with her elegant dress and long limbs was just right.

  When she pursed her lips and tilted her head to the side in an impatient, questioning gesture, I found myself opening the car door and getting out.

  “Another pair of panties has disappeared,” she announced. “This time from inside my bedroom. All the windows and doors were shut, and Ruff was asleep on my bed.” She examined my face with a frown, as though searching for traces of guilt. “Any idea how to solve this locked room mystery?”

  No puns this time. Maybe because she seemed irritated and suspicious rather than nervous.

  She was waiting for me to reply, but my mind was empty. I was too distracted by the scent I’d just detected to think of anything to say.

  All the times I’d watched her from my back deck, I had no idea Iola smelled like mint. The scent was fresh and compelling, and went perfectly with her green eyes.

  So, in the absence of clear and original thought, I used popular culture for inspiration.

  “Nemesis has a very particular set of skills,” I said. “Skills she’s acquired over a long career. Skills that make her a nightmare for people like you.”

  Iola narrowed her eyes, her frown deepening. “Is that Liam Neeson’s speech from Taken? Are you seriously comparing your cat to an ex-CIA operative and apparently unkillable one-man army in what has to be one of the most unrealistic movies ever made?”

  “Taken’s a cinematic classic. And Nemesis may only be a cat with a compulsion to steal things, but she’s an expert at it. She’d be a shoo-in for a CIA job, except she has no respect for authority.”

  “I still don’t believe a cat could—”

  Her dog barked, a sound so loud it made us both jump. He jerked forward, tugging at the leash. Iola barely caught him in time, and I had no idea how she managed to hold him back.

  Nemesis emerged from the side of the house and stalked up my driveway, heading toward us. The dog was barking madly, and I was about to jump in to help restrain him when Iola spoke.

  “Ruff, sit!” She didn’t even say it loudly, but the dog stopped barking and obeyed instantly. He stared glumly at my black cat, but didn’t bark again or try to move.

  “He’s well trained,” I said, impressed.

  “But your cat’s still coming toward him. Does she have a death wish?”

  “Don’t worry. Nemesis can handle herself.” When Iola gave me a wide-eyed look of disbelief, I added, “Think of my cat as the feline love child of Lara Croft and Liam Neeson. Her true expertise lies in stealing treasure, but she never backs down from a fight.”

  As if to prove my point, Nemesis stalked straight at Ruff, her tail held high. Though she was a fraction of the giant dog’s size, she didn’t stop until she was right in front of him, barely out of reach. Then she turned her back on him and stretched, her movements lazy. She lifted her tail so high it all but tickled Ruff’s nose. Her butt was angled up at him.

  Ruff looked up at Iola, his eyebrows pulling down at the sides so his eyes looked even more puzzled.

  Iola’s lips parted, her expression as confused as her dog’s. “Is your cat taunting him?”

  “She’s showing him where he stands in her hierarchy. Nemesis thinks she’s at the top, with everyone else on lower rungs. And I don’t think your dog even has his paw on the ladder.”

  Her point made, Nemesis stalked off without a backward glance, heading down the middle of my driveway. Ruff watched her go without making a sound. He didn’t seem to know what to make of her.

  “Is that normal?” Iola asked.

  “It is for Nemesis.”

  “I still don’t see how any cat could be stealing my panties. She couldn’t possibly jump to the top of my clothesline.”

  “Wait until you get to know her.”

  Her eyes narrowed. “Are you sure you’re not the thief?”

  “If you thought I was, you should have kept the gift card.”

  “I notice you didn’t deny it.”

  “I’m not the thief.”

  She pursed her lips, and I found my gaze lingering on them as I noticed how full and plump they were.

  “You don’t give anything away, do you?” she mused. “I ask if you’re a perverted panty thief, and your expression doesn’t change.”

  “You’re not the first person to complain. About my facial expressions, that is, not my panty thievery.”

  “So you’re saying you just haven’t been caught stealing underwear yet?” She quirked a suggestive eyebrow.

  “Are you trying to trap me into confessing to a fetish I don’t have?”

  “You can have any sexually deviant behaviors you want, as long as they don’t involve taking my clothing. But I do have a tip for you. Don’t start spanking statues. If you do, you’ll know you’ve hit rock bottom.”

  I was almost startled into a laugh and had to turn my face away, pretending to look for Nemesis.

  “Did you think about sm
iling just then? I’m pretty sure I saw your lips move.” She sounded shocked.

  “Does it matter?” I got myself back under control.

  “If you smile, I’ll get nervous.” She flushed. “Even imagining a smile on your carved-from-granite face makes me want to crack a joke.”

  “If you make jokes, I’m more likely to smile.” In spite of my good intentions, I was getting drawn deeper into our conversation, and more attracted to her by the minute. Her quick wit was hilarious, and her flushed cheeks made her eyes look even greener.

  “I need you to take smiling completely off the table so I can stop thinking about puns. It’s a chicken and egg situation.” She twisted the end of her dog’s leash between both hands. “And now you have no idea how hard it is for me to hold back a lot of terrible chicken-and-egg puns.” She closed her eyes and a look of pain settled into her face. Her words came out in a rush. “If you want to know which came first, the chicken went off like a fire-quacker, while the egg was just happy to get laid.”

  As practiced as I was at keeping a straight face, I’d never found it so difficult.

  The more I saw of her, the more intriguing Iola became. I wanted to know everything about her. Why was she was here, and what had happened to her husband, the Honorable Benedict Appleby? Why did she blame him for her joke compulsion, and act like her knack for jokes and wordplay was a problem instead of an appealing trait?

  “Your husband never laughed at your jokes?” I asked, fishing for information.

  She flicked her eyes back open and grimaced. “He only ever enjoyed seeing me miserable and under his thumb. I thought I’d left him in England, but I’m actually a little afraid he might turn up here. If you see a strange man hanging around, will you let me know?”

  My stomach sunk as I absorbed her words. Complications were exactly what I’d been trying to avoid.

  “Your ex is dangerous?” The question came out reluctantly. If only I were the type of guy who could walk away from someone in danger.